Beyond the Echo

 

In the stillness of my day, the words that once flowed freely now find solace in silence. I used to be a storyteller and express myself effortlessly, but lately, my voice has become a dim echo, lost in the noiseless spaces. I have invested fully in every relationship, both personal and professional, but the returns have often fallen short of what I believe I deserve. It means I took what I have and tried to make the most of it because that's who I am.

When the desire to share my own tale arises, courage falters, and the willingness to open up diminishes

My circle has evolved over time, filtering itself through experiences and circumstances. Today, it consists of a few individuals who resonate with my ambitions and accept me as I am, at my best and worst. Although these connections are distant, there is a unique beauty where conversations begin smoothly, without drama or expectation. I am comforted by the simplicity of their bonds, away from chaos. They are a evidence to lasting bonds that have survived the test of time. In the midst of it all, I learned to appreciate those who are in harmony and sense when words are left unsaid. These distant friends offer a soft protection, a haven where understanding exceeds spoken language.

Yet, world’s fatigue continues. The change is perceived as ungratefulness.

I ask those who question: Is it wrong to evolve based on experience?

From overindulgence to introversion, every change in my nature reflects the path I've taken.

Today, I seek simplicity and pleasure in the quiet company of my chosen ones. Chaos finds no position in this circle, and the core of our bonds lies in common goals and mutual acceptance. It is a circle not carefully designed but formed naturally over time, shaped by experience. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to be an introvert?

The Shield

I received a wonderful response on my Confessions of a Poly Cystic. I couldn’t sleep. That was my accidental child. And now I have to plan the next one. Hmmm.. Planning.. Alright I think we can do something with that.

Since I have been on a weight loss and Conquering PCOD journey I thought let me confess a few things more.

Now we as women know a lot of pros and cons. My doctor brother told me that the SYMPTOM and CAUSE for PCOD intersect eventually. It’s weight gain, or bloating or whatever. While it works differently for everyone am sure that self-maintenance is a task. I know most of the time I have made PCOD my shield so people don’t judge me or at least stop talking about it. But it's not even entirely wrong that I've bloated, had lethargy and never ending tiredness whenever I have skipped the cycle.

My sugar & Salt cravings have been at par and I come from a family where milk, ghee, cream are staple. Peanut chutney, achaar are our comfort food. We don’t always eat oily food at home. But we have these as siders.

As it is when we are PMSing or on periods we like to eat junk. I have eaten all this for so long that if I would have married then I would have had an ONLINE school going kid. But I always thought chal yaar kal se karenge. And like they say, Tomorrow never comes, It never came. I was just piling myself on me. 

Emotional eating – stress eating, I can’t sleep eating, I have nothing else to do eating, When we go out we have to eat kind of eating. I have done it all. And we all do it consciously or unconsciously.

And then we go on a journey of losing everything but weight. It's true that we should accept ourselves as we are. And that beauty comes in all sizes and shapes. But girl when you can’t fit in your favorite dress, when you can’t find your size in the store that’s DEATH. And then you are all sad and walk in despair like you are alone in the mall.. And those have been the most dramtic walks I've had in the malls. Like 'chann se jo toote koee sapna'. If in that condition Mr. Bansali would have ran into me he would have given me Paros role😆. 

So I don’t remember the last time I wore a jeans. I am always in loose kurtis that I cover it with a wide flowy duppatta. And I love chunky jewelry, I'll die without them but one reason to wear them was also that people will notice the chunk on me and not me. It worked.

This is the second year in Lockdown, ONE YEAR I have just wasted thinking, planning and imagining. I have had dreams that am wearing a backless gown in Goa. Once I dreamt that I was actually 70 kgs all the time. In this dream the catastrophe was that all this while my weighing machine had a fault and I had never gained weight. LOL I wish.. And thats the end. No execution. Does it happen to you?

Many years have gone by. I have tried VLCC, I have tried weight loss medicines and lost 15 kgs in 2015 (so I could wear sexy clothes in London) and when I came back to India in 2017 I was dot 100.

And every time I have gained weight I have triggered my PCOD too. Also when I was in LONDON, to save money I only ate chai biscuit initially. It didn’t save money. But I gained weight and skipped my periods for many months. Vitamin D deficiency also happened. All these things kept adding on.

I was so heavy that I felt I was carrying twins inside me. And I would blame and blame and blame. Blame PCOD, blame family, blame boyfriend, blame Trump, aliens, parallel universe, everyone.. Plus my dad had given me those minus degree huge PINK😭 jacket to wear in London. God it was heavy. I felt like a SUMO. But it kept me very warm.

All this had to stop somewhere. So This year I decided not to plan. I decided not to make any resolutions. No imaginations either.

Just get going. 

I never thought that intermittent fasting would ever work for me. And this story is for another blog. 

I would always start something and if the results didn’t seem in my favor right away I would just quit. Because we belong to the ATM ERA we want everything instant. That's wrong. Give it time. Even to have a good chicken curry we marinate chicken a little longer.. this is life that we are making. Have Patience..

Now that we have started the trend of me telling the truth and you'll relishing, here's one more. I measured myself last year and the tape was tip to tip. Yes it’s a shame. yes the entire freaking tape. Another Chann se jo toote koee sapna moment.

I have always ran out of outfits (It’s a women thing). So I would wear the same outfits all the time. The trend right now for me has been these two front pocket long solid kurti from Utsa, Gia or Diza. I have almost all colors they had and I have been wearing those since 2018. I still only buy those. My sisters calls it my uniform. 

We all have somethings to take care of. We all want to learn something new, try something new. Sometimes we  wait for someone to validate it and let our desires be judged. Often we wait for the right moment. 

For how long are we going to procrastinate and watch Anil Kapoor fit at 64 and say he is fit because he has money. We can start with whatever we have. 

The feeling that you want to learn swimming, cooking, go for a walk, lift weight is a good enough sign to start. JUST DO IT. We become our own baggage and seldom blame someone or something else (Remember aliens, trump, parallel universe?)..

That’s what happens. At least that is what happened to me. Firstly BOREDOM is a privilege and Secondly, We focus on the issues and then these issues take over us. If you want more money work for it. Don't just think that you don't have money. If you want to study, don't just make a time table, STUDY! I gave this demon so much power that it took control over me. Don’t let anything else other than your WILL control you..

Bottom line: Planning is very easy. It keeps you worked up. And believe me we are all born planners. To start you have to just START. I can write a book on things I have planned and never looked back at them. So can you. 

I know am only 55 days new in my transformation regime. But this is the longest I've held on. I have cut down my social media time, I have deleted all the games, I avoid watching movies or series. Even if I do, I watch one movie in three days. I am working on my writing skills as you'll know. I am looking after myself. Loosing some weight 💪. Reading books📖. 

Why am I telling you? 

SO that I don’t stop. 

SO that I know that people are watching me.

Just felt like the movie Julie & Julia! (What a movie!)

Also because I want you to take up a regime too. Even whatsapp requires updating. This is our Life. One life. Who knows whether we will have a second chance. I have called myself a pig so many times in the next blog. If God makes me again he will surely turn me into a PIG 🐷 (Pretty Indian Girl, I hope).

We are just inches away from what we want. Lets cast off the SHIELD. Lets stop planning and start walking.. Oh Walking! I have a blog on MY WALKING PHOBIA coming soon.

Stay Tuned!

Thanks for Reading...

Love💗

Priyanka Jawalgaonkar